horrorfan
Reviews
horrorfan rating: 4/5 stars
****
A prequel set before the haunting of the Lambert family that reveals how gifted psychic Elise Rainier reluctantly agrees to use her ability to contact the dead in order to help a teenage girl who has been targeted by a dangerous supernatural entity.
Stabby McKnife says: Good horror flick. Nothing exceptional but entertaining throughout. You don't necessariy need to see the first two insidious films to be able to follow the story in this one. However I recommend it because not only were the first two worth seeing if you are a horror fan but you will aquire a greater understanding and appreciation for the mythology that the Insidious universe sets up in the first two films. Also...the main girl in this is smoking hot. I hope she makes more films in the future. Mmm mmm mmm. delicious.
Review: Maggie
horrorfan rating 3/5 stars
***
A father attempts to take care of his undead daughter following a zombie apocalypse. The story takes place after a zombie plague has infected a huge portion of the population. The infection is being contained by the survivors by putting infected family members, friends and strangers that begin to show symptoms into quarantines.
Stabby McKnife says: Let me begin this by saying I'm a huge Arnold Schwarzenegger fan. Nothing makes me happier than watching Arnold shoot a room full of baddies with a machine gun and than uttering a deadpan one liner. Having said that...Maggie is a huge departure from that or anything else Arnold has done in his career....and not in a good way.
His performance is fine. So is the performance of Abigal Breslin (she plays the titular Maggie character. Arnolds slowly zombifying daughter). The performances are not the problem. It's the slow agonizing pace and lack of any really good gore or zombie action. This movie should be a lesson to all future directors that wish to make a zombie tear jerking family drama film. DON'T.
Review: The Gallows
horrorfan rating: 2/5 stars
**
A group of classmates break into a school at night to try to prevent the school musical from happening the next day. They run afoul of a ghost of a former student who carries a grudge and starts picking them off one by one.
Stabby McKnife says: Cool fucking premise, huh? Shitty terrible execution. The acting was okay. I could even be okay with the found footage aspect of the film. The problem I had was the stagnant story. The boring kills. The stupid plot. The terrible writing and pacing and directing. I kept waiting for something interesting to happen. Then the credits rolled and I realized I just wasted my fucking time and money. Don't see this one. It's a hunk of shit.
3 New horror film reviews! These reviews made on 9/4/15....
Review: Insidious Chapter Three
3 New Reviews! April 25th. 2015!!!!!!
Review: Muck
Horrorfan rating 5/5 stars
*****
Muck is about a group of college friends that come out of the frying pan and into the fire. The movie begins abruptly in the middle of the action. Some of the college kids escape from the woods where some of their friends have already been killed off. The only problem is they escape to an abandoned house that is not as abandoned as it appears...and it's occupants are murderous.
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS: go see this flick immediately. it's a throwback to classic 80's horror films. gratuitious violence and nudity, dumb storyline, terrible acting. but it's funny. somehow it works. it's big and dirty and bloody. but "muck" is a big dumb lumbering animal that you can't help but love.
Review: V/H/S: Viral
horrorfan rating: 5/5 stars
*****
Follows fame-obsessed teens who unwittingly become stars of the next internet sensation. Unlike the previous 2 v/h/s installments..they vary up the format on this one. instead of a group of people finding mysterious v/h/s tapes with horrifying material on them, this film is mostly go pro camera style found footage videos that were posted to the internet and went viral.
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS: while the premise may sound stupid don't worry....this is a modern day horror classic. I won't say too much about it for fear of spoilers. But I will say this...the v/h/s franchise continues to be one of the best things to happen to the horror genre in the last 5 years. great violence, fun original storyline decent gore and nudity. contstantly entertaining. I hope they make a fourth v/h/s movie.
Review: The ABC's of death 2
horrorfan rating 4/5 stars
****
26 new directors make 26 new short films. Each one about death. each one assigned a different letter of the alphabet. For example A for Asphixiation. B for Beheading etc. The results are schizophrenically entertaining and extreme.
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS: a fun gory movie. good for people with short attention span since there is a new story every 3-6 minutes or so. with 26 different short films obviously the content will vary. but overall it is pretty entertaining. not as good as the first one but still pretty damn good. go watch it. now.
Review: Stage Fright
horrorfan rating: 4/5 stars
****
A snobby musical theater camp is terrorized by a blood-thirsty killer who hates musical theater.
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS: This was a surprisingly fun and fresh take on the horror genre. The film works as a horror comedy. Imagine "Glee" mixed with "Friday the 13th" but with songs that don't suck and kills that are fresh and orginal. go see this gem. now, you penis.
Review: Life after Beth
horrorfan rating: 3/5 stars
***
Zach is devastated by the unexpected death of his girlfriend, Beth. When she mysteriously returns, he gets a second chance at love. Soon his whole world turns upside down...
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS: This is a fun little zombie movie. it's a bit of a slow burn.
Solid date movie if your girl is into horror but doesn't want something too extreme....and yet....you don't want to sit through a PG-13 horror turd.
Starring Aubrey Plaza (the hot chick who dead pans all her lines from Parks and Rec) and Dan Dehaan ( he was the green goblin in "the amazing spider-man 2)
This isn't a "must see" but it is a decent flick.
Review: Under the Skin
horrorfan rating 2/5 stars
**
In Scotland, a motorcyclist retrieves a young woman's body from the side of a road and places her in the back of a van. In a featureless white void, a naked woman strips the woman and dons her clothes.
The woman drives the van around Scotland, picking up men on the street. She brings them to her apartment — a black, featureless void — where the men follow her into darkness and find themselves submerged in an abyss of liquid. Their bodies vanish, leaving empty skins behind, and their innards are sucked away into a distant red light.
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS:
This movie was a hunk of shit. If you want to know why I rated it two stars instead of zero I'll tell you: Because Scarlett johansson gets naked in it. sexy naked. full frontal naked. we are talking boobies, vagina, bush and butt naked. If it wasn't for her amazingly sexy naked-ness I would give this movie a zero. It was one of the worst movies I've ever seen.
2015! New Year! New horror movie reviews!
Review: John Dies at the End
horrorfan rating: 5/5 stars
*****
It's all about the Soy Sauce, a drug that promises an out-of-body experience with each hit. But some who come back are no longer human. Suddenly a silent otherworldly invasion is underway, and mankind needs a hero. What it gets instead is John and David, a pair of
college dropouts who can barely hold down jobs.
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS:
This was a great, fun, campy horror comedy. If you are a fan of weird shit you will like this flick. Also it's hilarious...in a dark unsettling, possibly give you nightmares kind of way.
Review: The Purge: Anarchy
horrorfan rating 3/5 stars
***
A young couple's car runs out of gas just as the Purge commences. Meanwhile, Leo goes out into the streets to get revenge on the man who killed his son, and a mother and daughter run from their home after assailants destroy it. The five people meet up as they attempt to survive the night in Los Angeles.
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS: The Purge: Anarchy took the original concept of the first movie (all crime is legal for 12 hours once a year. this event is called 'the purge') and they executed it the way they should have done in the first movie.
In the first Purge the movie centered around a family hiding out in their house during the purge. In "Anarchy" the story follows five unlucky individuals caught out of their homes in the middle of the city when the annual purge begins.
Lots of fun action and gore. They got the purge right this time. fun little flick. see it now, you asshole.
12/8/14: The day the site returned from the grave with 2 new horror movie reviews!!!!!
9/27/14: The Day I gave you bunch of assholes 3 NEW MOVIE REVIEWS!!!!
Review: Tusk
horrorfan rating: 4/5 stars
****
When his best friend and podcast co-host (Justin Long) goes missing in the backwoods of Canada, a young guy (Haley Joel Osment) joins forces with his friend's girlfriend (Genesis Rodriguez) to search for him.
Stabby McKnife says: This is a disturbing/dark horror comedy. Justin Long is hilarious as a douche-baggy podcaster who is in the backwoods of Canada looking for weird people to interview and exploit for his podcast.
Michael Park's plays an interesting weirdo looking for someone to listen to his stories...he also has an odd obsession with Walruses.
I won't say more for fear of spoilers but I will say this: As of September 2014....'Tusk' is the best horror movie of the year. Kevin Smith wrote and directed a real killer film here. I give it 4 out of 4 shit-stained thumbs up! Where did I get the 2 extra thumbs? Yo mama, of course.
Review: V/H/S
horrorfan rating: 4/5 stars
****
When a group of misfits are hired by an unknown third party to burglarize a desolate house and acquire a rare VHS tape, they discover more found footage than they bargained for.
Stabby McKnife Says: Over the last few years there have been two movie franchises that have been CRUCIAL in breathing new life into the "horror anthology" film format. Those franchises are 'The ABC's of Death' and 'V/H/S'.
The first V/H/S film was groundbreaking and awesome. It has everything you would want in an awesome horror flick. Blood and gore, interesting story, fun character's and token gratuitous nudity.
This horror anthology ties the seperate chapters together perfectly into what will be known as one of the best horror anthologies of all time. I refuse to say anything about the actual plot for fear of spoilers. But what I will say is this: If you are a horror fan this is a must see.
Review: V/H/S 2
horrorfan rating: 5/5 stars
*****
Searching for a missing student, two private investigators break into his house and find a collection of VHS tapes.
Viewing the horrific contents of each cassette, they realize there may be dark motives behind the student's disappearance.
Stabby McKnife says: I don't usually say this but this is one of those rare occurences of a sequel surpassing the original. That's right, mother fuckers. I said it: V/H/S 2 is better than the orginal V/H/S in every way.
The stories are more interesting. The gore and violence is better. The nudity is better. The directing and special effects are sharper. EVERY ASPECT IS BETTER. I'm not saying the first movie was a piece of shit. The first movie was great. But this one is way better.
The good news for V/H/S fans is that a third entry in the V/H/S franchise comes out in a few months. Stay tuned for more news on the third entry entitled V/H/S: VIRAL coming soon....
5 Brand spanking new reviews! Enjoy motherfuckers!
Review: The ABC's of Death
horrorfan rating: 4/5
stars
****
A 26-chapter anthology that showcases death in all its vicious wonder and brutal beauty.
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS: 26 directors were each given a different letter of the alphabet and were told to make a short film. The catch was this: the film title had to start with an assigned letter and the subject matter had to revolve around death.
Some of the entries had titles like "D is for Dogfight" and "F is for Fart". Some entries were awesome. Some were only okay. But overall as a movie experience.... ABC's was awesome. This is a must see film for any true horror fan.
Review: Attack the Block
horrorfan rating: 4/5 stars
****
A group of London teens find themselves in the middle of an alien invasion and fight to defend their tower block from some evil extraterrestrials in this stylish sci-fi romp from the producers of Shaun of the Dead and Scott Pilgrim vs. the World.
Beset by a gang of young thugs as she passes through a South London housing estate, Sam (Jodie Whittaker) is in the midst of being robbed when a ball of light falls out of the sky, and destroys a nearby car. Frightened, she flees from the scene just before an unearthly beast emerges from the wreckage and attacks Moses (John Boyega), the leader of the youthful gang.
In retaliation, Moses and his crew slay the creature, and take it to a local drug den owned by ruthless gangster Hi-Hatz (Jumayn Hunter) for safe keeping.
Later, as the police assist Sam in pursuing her assailants, strange lights start to rain down on the streets, heralding the arrival of a second, more ferocious, wave of creatures.
With the city under siege, there's no place left to run. Quickly realizing she's going to have to fight if she wants to survive, Sam once again crosses paths with the street-tough teens, but instead of running away vows to battle alongside them to the bitter end.
Meanwhile, Moses becomes the primary target of the aliens, and the group arms themselves with everything from baseball bats to high-powered fireworks in the fight to save the human race.
Review: Aftershock
horrorfan rating: 4/5
stars
****
In Chile, a group of travelers who are in an underground nightclub when a massive earthquake hits quickly learn that reaching the surface is just the beginning of their nightmare.
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS: This is a return to old school horror in terms of content. The look of this film however is very modern and realistic.
Without revealing to much about the plot I can gurantee that the violence is inspired and gory, the scares are real and earned and the characters are fun and lovable.
This is a sexy ass flick, boys and ghouls. It even has a cameo by Selena Gomez. She plays a bitch in it. Type casting, maybe? You be the judge, ya fucks! Enjoy this fun little horror flick. NOW.
Review: Red State
horrorfan rating: 5/5 stars
*****
A group of misfits encounter fundamentalism gone to the extreme in Middle America.
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS: This is a very smart, well-written horror film. It was written and directed by Kevin Smith (Clerks, Mallrats, Dogma, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, and the upcoming horror film 'Tusk')
This plot of this film is awesome. All I can say about it without the fear of spoilers is this: You know the extremist fucks from the Westboro Baptist church? The kind of extremist asshole christians that protest gay funerals, military funerals etc.? Well the church in this film makes them look like honey flavored angels. These are some mean, super extremist "redneck horror christians".
The "redneck horror christians" are up to some real fuckery when the local redneck cops get wind of the whole shit flavored business and call in a swat team. Then all hell breaks loose! Amen, mother fuckers!
Review:
Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead
horrorfan rating: 5/5
stars
*****
Talented young martial artist Megumi wrestles with the guilt of her bullied sister's suicide while joining her friends on a journey deep into the woods, where they encounter the nefarious Dr. Tanaka, who conducts gruesome experiments on the living dead.
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS: This movie is wall to wall FUCK-AWESOME! If you are a fan of gratuitious violence, nudity and slapstick shit stained comedy than you will be a fan of this!
Also if you like mega-hot japanese chicks with perfect titties and asses and not necessary to the plot lesbian scenes! Hooray! A shit load of blood! a shit load of gore! A shitload of shit! In a good way! See this film, now!
horrorfan rating: 5/5 stars
*****
Review: Saw
Would you kill to live? That's what two men, Adam and Gordon, have to ask themselves when they're abducted by a serial killer and paired up in a deadly situation, holed up in a prison constructed with such ingenuity that escape seems impossible.
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS: Saw has the best twist ending of any horror movie I've ever seen. the sequels aren't as good but most of them are still enjoyable.
A lot of horror fans or general movie goers are quick to dismiss "Saw" as torture porn horror. While Saw may technically fall into that category the first Saw movie at least has a lot more going for it than most mindless torture porn horror. Saw is a smart, taut, original thriller.
horrorfan rating: 5/5 stars
*****
Review: Evil Dead 2
The lone survivor of an onslaught of flesh-possessing spirits holds up in a cabin with a group of strangers while the demons continue their attack.
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS: One of the best horror comedies ever made. The best evil dead movie by far. the first half hour or so is just Bruce Campbell slapstick humor at its finest. so many great quotes and special effects in this movie. plus the chainsaw hand is brilliant.
You can not call yourself a true horror fan until you have seen this film.
horrorfan rating: 5/5 stars
*****
Review: Army of Darkness
Ash is accidentally transported to 1300 A.D., where he must battle an army of the dead and retrieve the Necronomicon so he can return home.
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS: Funnier than Evil Dead 2. they focused more on slapstick, one liners and scope in this one more than traditional horror.
The second evil dead was a perfect fusion of horror comedy. having said that this third evil dead film is still one of the greatest movies of all time. hail to the king, baby.
horrorfan rating: 4/5 stars
****
Review: Pandorum
From the creators of the Resident Evil film franchise comes Pandorum, a terrifying thriller in which two crew members wake up on an abandoned spacecraft with no idea who they are, how long they’ve been asleep, or what their mission is. The two soon discover they’re actually not alone — and the reality of their situation is more horrifying than they could have imagined.
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS: Ben Foster is great in this. the movie is legitimately scary, and the action is fast paced and unique.
not many action horror films set in space have been this well done. it's a hard genre to pull off. this movie does it best. the next best thing to this is 'Event horizon'.
horrorfan rating: 4/5 stars
****
Review: Feast
In a remote bar, a newcomer advises the customers to seal the place up, as hungry monsters will soon attack them. The man is immediately devoured, and the surviving customers must quickly organize a strategy to defend themselves from the deadly creatures.
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS: Very bloody, funny and fun. not many modern horror films are fun anymore. this one definitely is.
the writing and directing are both brilliant...and there is even a scene where a monster skull fucks a woman and shoots a ton of monster cum into her mouth. and they actually show it. cool, yo! see this flick!
horrorfan rating: 3/5 stars
***
Review: Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds
The monsters have made it into a small neighboring town in the middle of nowhere and the locals have to band with the survivors of the bar' slaughter to figure out how to survive
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS: not as good or as fun as the first but it makes up for it by having large amounts of gratuitous nudity.
horrorfan rating: 3/5 stars
***
Review: Feast 3: The Happy Finish
The survivors continue to try to make it out of the small, monster infested town alive.
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS: same situation as feast 2. also i won't give away any details but...the ending in this movie...you will either love it or hate it. it's very polarizing. but overall the feast trilogy was very fun and satisfying. Bon' a Pa- Titties!
7 Brand New Reviews! Enjoy, ya fucks!
horrorfan rating: 5/5 stars
*****
Review: Dawn of the Dead (2004 remake)
A nurse, a policeman, a young married couple, a salesman, and other survivors of a worldwide plague that is producing aggressive, flesh-eating zombies, take refuge in a mega Midwestern shopping mall.
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS: One of the rare cases where the remake surpasses the original. The running zombies are scarier. The characters are funny and interesting. Plenty of blood and gore and some token nudity. This is the best zombie movie of all time overall.
horrorfan rating: 5/5 stars
*****
Review: Planet Terror
After an experimental bio-weapon is released, turning thousands into zombie-like creatures, it's up to a rag-tag group of survivors to stop the infected and those behind its release.
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS: This ode to Grindhouse horror cinema is better than the movies it pays homage to. by a lot. tons of gratuitous gore, super hot girls and black humor. also rose mcgowan's leg is a machine gun. this is a win.
horrorfan rating: 4/5 stars
****
Review: Zombieland
Shy student 'Columbus', trying to reach his family in Ohio, gun-toting tough guy 'Tallahassee', trying to find the Last Twinkie and a pair of sisters 'Little Rock' & 'Wichita', trying to get to an amusement park, join forces to travel across a zombie-filled America.
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS: not quite as good as shaun of the dead, but still a very funny horror comedy. plus emma stone is hot as balls in this. Also, Woody Harrelson is perfectly cast as a crazy redneck asshole with heart and an undying (pun intended) passion for twinkies. See this film immediately, ya cunt.
horrorfan rating: 5/5 stars
*****
Review: Dead Alive
In 1957, a rare rat monkey is brought from Sumatra to a zoo in New Zeland. The local Lionel Cosgrove (Timothy Balme) is a shy young man, having a complex due to the death of his father, and is completely dominated by his evil and possessive mother Vera (Elizabeth Moody).
In a small shop nearby his house, Lionel meets the very superstitious attendant Paquita Maria Sanchez (Diana Peñalver), who believes he is the man of her life. Paquita invites Lionel to go to the zoo with her, but Vera follows them and is bitten by the weird Sumatrian monkey.
The monkey's bite turns her into a zombie, and every person she bites also becomes a zombie. Lionel tries to hide the situation from Paquita, hiding his mother and the other zombies (his mother's nurse, the local priest and a grave thief) in his basement, using tranquilizer bought from a Nazi doctor to keep them calm.
However, Lionel loses the control of the situation when his Uncle Les (Ian Watkin) arrives for his sister Vera's funeral and blackmails Lionel because of the corpses in the basement. Les promotes a big party in Lionel's house and all the guests become zombies.
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS: before peter jackson made those crap lord of the rings movies he made one of the best zombie movies of all time. if you like gallons and gallons of blood you'll enjoy this shlock-fest. two best scenes include a zombie arm coming out of womans mouth (hot!) and a lawnmower versus a room full of zombies.
horrorfan rating: 3/5 stars
***
Review: Land of the Dead
The world is full of zombies and the survivors have barricaded themselves inside a walled city to keep out the living dead. As the wealthy hide out in skyscrapers and chaos rules the streets, the rest of the survivors must find a way to stop the evolving zombies from breaking into the city.
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS: I know most Romero fans will hate this but I think this is his best zombie film yet. I know the original trilogy has better story and social commentary, but this has better everything else. better looking zombies and gore. better action. better acting. dennis hopper being a dick. and a fat mercenary named Pillsbury.
horrorfan rating: 4/5 stars
****
Review: Re-Animator
Based on the H.P. Lovecraft tale. A dedicated student at a medical college and his girlfriend become involved in bizarre experiments centering around the re-animation of dead tissue when an odd new student arrives on campus.
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS: Jeffrey combs delivers his best performance ever as a quirky mad scientist with a longing to bring dead things back to life. plenty of quality effects, brilliant acting (by combs only), lots of nudity including bush shots and an interesting storyline make this zombie flick a must see. This film always re-boners me. (that means I like it.)
horrorfan rating: 3/5 stars
***
Review: Day of the Dead
A mysterious virus that turns people into the walking dead has infected a town, and only a few survivors immune to the disease must find a way to escape.
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS: the original day of the dead. it has the best acting and storyline of the orinal romero trilogy but the least action.
most of the movie takes place in an underground military bunker, so it has a very sterile and dead feel to it. (ha!) the most entertaining character is the crazy doctor who is running experiments on captured zombies.
horrorfan rating: 2/5 stars
**
Review: Day of the Dead
(2008 remake)
When a small Colorado town is overrun by the flesh hungry dead a small group of survivors try to escape in a last ditch effort to stay alive.
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS: a very sleek and modern looking zombie movie. plus mena suvari is smoking hot in this. The original day of the dead by george romero is a superior movie in all categories: acting, script, directing, the category of not being a remake or reboot, etc. the one thing this film has going for it over the original is that mena suvari has a black girl ass. in a good way. Or an Iggy Izalea ass. fancy.
horrorfan rating:
3/5 stars
***
Review: Resident Evil
When a virus leaks from a top-secret facility, turning all resident researchers into ravenous zombies and their lab animals into mutated hounds from hell, the government sends in an elite military task force to contain the outbreak. Alice (Milla Jovavitch) and Rain (Michelle Rodriguez) are charged with leading the mission.
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS: Even though the movie is nowhere near as good as the games, it's still an entertaining zombie movie.
it's got attractive girls, (milla jovovitch is in sexy short red dress for most of the movie) and the best scene in the movie involves a laser booby trapped hallway that slices people up into chunks of deli meat.
avoid the sequels after the semi-passable second movie.
horrorfan rating: 3/5 stars
***
The Return of the Living Dead
The Return of the Living Dead is an American zombie comedy horror film that was released in 1985 and was followed by several sequels.
The film was written and directed by Dan O'Bannon and starred Clu Gulager, James Karen, Don Calfa, Thom Mathews, Beverly Randolph and Linnea Quigley.
The film tells the story of how two men accompanied by a group of teenage punks deal with the accidental release of a horde of brain hungry zombies onto an unsuspecting town.
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS: Another horror comedy. this one screams 80's. it has lots of great gore, nudity and comedy. but it's not as good as other horror comedy zombie flicks (shaun of the dead and Zombieland). still a must see for any zombie fan.
This should give you an idea of how punk rock this film is: the hot rocker chick who spends 90 percent of her screen time topless....her name is 'Trash.'
horrorfan rating: 3/5 stars
***
Review: Dawn of the Dead (1978)
Following an ever-growing epidemic of zombies that have risen from the dead, two Philadelphia SWAT team members, a traffic reporter, and his television-executive girlfriend seek refuge in a secluded shopping mall.
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS: romero's follow up to Night of the Living Dead was better by a lot. this has much more gore and action. a must see.
horrorfan rating: 3/5 stars
***
Review: Boy Eats Girl
A boy declares his love for his girlfriend, only to die the same night. He is brought back to life by his mother as a flesh-craving zombie, who sires more teen undead while trying to control his, appetite for his beloved.
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS: an entertaining zombie horror comedy with an irish twist: it takes place in ireland! also the girls are hot. the accents help. good stuff.
note: also this film wins the "Stabby McKnife Golden Machete Award" for one of the best movie titles ever.
horrorfan rating: 2/5 stars
**
Review: Diary of the Dead
While filming a horror movie of mummy in a forest, the students and their professor of the University of Pittsburgh hear on the TV the news that the dead are awaking and walking. Ridley and Francine decide to leave the group, while Jason heads to the dormitory of his girlfriend Debra Monahan.
STABBY MCKNIFE SAYS: Jumping the found footage shark but in an entertaining way is this strange zombie movie. I say strange because even though it was directed by romero it doesn't feel like a romero film at all. the original trilogy all had better story lines and social commentary and land of the dead had a big budget with tons of non stop action and gore. this one is tame and yet...still enjoyable.
13 NEW REVIEWS! HERE ARE 13 OF THE BEST ZOMBIE FILMS EVER!
Review: Almost Human
horrorfan rating: 4/5 stars
****
Almost Human was a suprisingly good low budget horror film from 2013. The movie was super creepy and felt like it was a classic 80's horror flick. Part slasher movie and part alien abduction film this movie is 100 percent win!
Don't let the words "low budget" fool you. This movie doesn't feel cheap. It feels like an old school horror classic. The special effects are all realistic and well done. The performances are human and real. Here's what our old pal Stabby has to say about this little gem of a horror flick....
Stabby McKnife says: My dick is so hard for this film, yo! I bought this on dvd randomly expecting it to be a piece of shit....boy was I wrong!!!! I couldn't stop watchin' this film! From the start it is super interesting and keeps you engaged.
The film starts off with a dude getting abducted by aliens. The main star of the film is blamed and then subsequently let go because of lack of evidence. Years go by. The aducted dude mysteriously re-appears. I can't say much more about the plot for fear of spoiler's but I'll say this: see this movie!
The film plays out like a super awesome slasher flicker with really interesting and violent kill scenes. But it's like getting a double scoop of awesome because not only is this a great slasher film, but you've got all the alien abduction and alien invasion stuff going on at the same time. It's a win-win. You can find this movie in wal-mart or best buy currently, but if by the time you are reading this they are no longer carrying it I'm sure you can grab a copy of it online. Enjoy. Kill ya later -Stabby McKnife.
horrorfan rating 5/5 stars
*****
Review: You're Next
If you have not seen this movie yet, why are you such a dick? Go see it immediately. You're Next was very good. Shockingly good. Refreshingly good. It was one of the best horror films to hit theatres in 2013.
Without spoilers here is the basic premise of "You're Next". A family reunion is taking place in a huge almost mansion sized house in the middle of nowhere. The house only has one neighbor and that neighbor is at least a ten minute walk away.
Out of the blue during the dinner, dinner guests start getting visciously murdered by a group of assholes wearing white animal masks outside the house. No explanation given. They just start offing people.
On the surface throughout the first half of the film you assume this is a simplistic "breaking and entering, kill the inhabitants just for the hell of it" type film. But slowly as the film progresses with the survivors getting killed off one by one multiple twists are revealed. It changes the whole dynamic of the film from a dumb but fun bloodbath to a smart, well thought out fun blood bath.
Stabby McKnife says: Holy batshit did I love this fuckin movie! Lots of creative kills and blood and gore.
Lots of interesting character's dieing in interesting ways. Not to mention this horror flick has a clever plot. Unlike a lot of crap films or popcorn entertainment type films the events in this flick are not only happening for a reason, but the reason is logical and makes perfect sense.
And yes...there are titties in this! The tits are just icing on this cake of a film....but I want to lick the icing, bro!
See this immediately, Gore-hounds. You will be pleased. Till next time, true believers! Boo-Bye!
Review: The Purge
horrorfan rating 3/5 stars
***
With The Purge: Anarchy currenty in theatres I figured this would be a good time to review The Purge (The first film in 'The Purge' franchise. duh.)
Let me start by saying this: What a great concept. Here is the super interesting concept of The Purge that convinced so many horror fans like me to flock to the theatre:
What if one night per year for a 12 hour period all crime was legal. ALL CRIME. Murder, rape, pillaging (who pillages anymore these days, honestly?) you name it...it's legal for 12 hours. This annual event is called 'The Purge'.
Sounds pretty neat right? It's stops being that neat once you see the film. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Here's what Stabby has to say about it:
Stabby McKnife says: Damn you, Purge. Damn you for making me so full of joy and anticipation going into a movie and then taking a giant shit on my face.
Instead of taking this concept of all crime being legal in an interesting route they decided to make the film about a rich suburban family hiding in their house during the purge. you read that right. That's like throwing a killer party (literally) and then sitting in a corner of the room during the entire party with a dunce hat on.
One thing that they did in the film that could have been potentially interesting was one of the characters let someone hide out in their house during the purge. This person was on the run from a group who REALLY REALLY wanted to kill this person specifically.
This should have been a sub-plot of the film. Instead, the whole film is spent showing the group of purge's who want to kill the person trying to break into the family's house. (it takes most of the fucking movie for them to get in by the way).
Then you would think things get really fuckin' neat when they finally manage to get into the house for the climax of the film. Nope. Wrong again. Boring kills. Predictable scenario's.
Worst of all....the ending was boring and anti-climatic. I'm not saying this movie is terrible. It has it's moments. But trust me...the best thing about "The Purge" is its concept. What a shame the movie couldn't deliver on the trailers awesomeness.
I hope and pray that the sequel (The Purge: Anarchy) corrects the mistakes made in the first one. Namely sitting out the entire Purge in a house. Based on what I've seen in the trailers for it....it looks like they read my mind and the setting for the film seems to be the middle of the city with the character's actively trying to avoid being murdered during The Purge. (honestly who stays out late the night of the purge? Did they really need to make that run to burger king? Irresponsible d-bags.)
Review: The Cabin in the Woods
horrorfan rating 5/5 stars
*****
This movie is the bee's knee's. And the bee's cock. In a good way. This was easily the best horror movie I've seen since Shaun of the Dead. So since 2004. I don't want to say too much about the plot because this flick has lots of awesome twists and surprises. I'm going to keep this review spoiler free.
Cabin was co-written by Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard and directed by Drew Goddard. Joss Whedon folks. The man behind Firefly, Serenity and The Avenger's. He liked the concept of this film so much he decided to co write it with his buddy Drew Goddard.
This movie has everything going for it. A hot young likable cast, constant nods and homages to the horror genre in general, an original fresh story and sharp writing and directing.
Stabby McKnife says: At first I thought this was going to be a by the numbers standard horror flick. Boy was I fucking wrong! After the deceptively normal opening few minutes things start to get strange, creepy and unique real quick. Without spoiling anything I'll say this: you can tell early on that this is not your average horror film.
Thor is in this too by the way. Chris Hemsworth filmed this before he went on to become the God of Thunder. A.K.A. Thor. He did a good job in the film.
The Girls are hot in this! Kristen Connolly as the hot red head lead girl! Ann Hutchinson as the hot blonde who gratuitously shows her tits! (thanks for that by the way) and Amy Acker! Won't say who she plays but she is a cutie!!!
The horror in this is top notch. See this film immediately.
Review: The Collector
horrorfan rating 4/5
****
The Collector was surprisingly good. It was written by Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan the writing duo behind Saw 4-7, Feast 1-3 and Piranha 3DD. The film was directed by Marcus Dunstan.
The plot is simple yet interesting: A thief breaks into a home to steal a diamond he knows to be there. The problem is that when he breaks in, a killer is already in the house. That's it. Incredibly simple concept, but it works here. Trust me.
The killer has captured and is in the process of torturing the family when the thief breaks in. The killer loaded the house with booby traps (presumably to deter the family from escaping). Once the thief realizes there is a killer in the house he has a choice to make: Leave with the loot or save the family.
That's all I can really say about the details of the plot without spoiling anything.
Stabby McKnife says: This is a fun, dark film folks. Don't miss this one. Very suspenseful shit. Thief vs. Killer. Bad guy versus bad guy. I love it! There's a good amount of gore, creative kills and even a bit of token nudity. Good nudity by the way.
This film came out in 2009. They made a sequel called "The Collection" in 2012. The sequel was good but the first movie was superior in every way. Enjoy this. You're in for a treat. Here is the trailer:
Review: Shaun of the dead
horrorfan rating 5/5 stars *****
Shaun of the dead is the perfect blend of horror and comedy. Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are a great comedic duo and the material handled here is perfect for them. Unlike other horror comedy films...the zombie action and gore is actually very well done and realistic.
The film was directed by Edgar Wright who has also done 1. Spaced 2. Hot Fuzz 3. The World's End 4. Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World.
Shaun of the dead has brilliant subtle british comedy, plenty of homages to other zombie films and ingenius commentary on just how zombie-like humanity is even without any zombie outbreak.
Some of the best sequences of the film involve Shaun going about his daily routine with the zombie outbreak slowly blooming around him, and hilariously, he doesn't notice it at all. Shaun and his friends are so stuck in the rut of their own lives and daily routines/problems that they think the strange behavior of the neighbors and fellow townfolk is nothing to be alarmed about....until a zombie literally turns up in their own back yard and starts spewing blood and trying to eat their flesh.
The jokes are hilarious. The character's are likable. The directing and script are both expertly done.
The bottom line is this: Shaun of the dead can easily be considered
1. A great ZOMBIE film.
2. A great HORROR film
3. one of the best HORROR/COMEDIES ever made.
If you haven't seen this film yet...that needs to change immediately.
Review: From Dusk till Dawn
horrorfan rating 5/5
*****
From Dusk Till Dawn is the best damn vampire film ever made. Period. Possibly Robert Rodriguez's best movie. the script was written by Quentin Tarantino and it shows. A couple of fugitives are waiting to do a drug deal in a mexican strip club in the middle of nowhere with a random family they kidnapped. But this strip club just so happens to be full of vampires. Great film. If you have not seen it yet you should.
The film is full of blood and gore, nudity, badass character's and plenty of Tarantino's crunchy, gritty quotable dialogue.
It ain't for the faint of heart, mother fuckers.
The practical effects in this film are done by the brilliant Tom Savini. If you're a true horror fan you already know who Savini is. I could go into a novel length rant about how Savini is the best in the business at practical horror effects, make up, gore and making scary ass shit....but I'll save that for another day.
The Vampires have a unique "scary as fuck" look to them that is signature Savini style. These are not the pussy looking vampires you've seen in the Twilight movie trailers (God I pray that you have only seen the trailers and not the shitty movies themselves)
The film stars George Clooney, Quentin Tarantino, Harvey Keitel and Juliette Lewis.
Clooney has never been more badass then he was in this flick.
Tarantino is great at playing a creepy, sadistic, perverted fucking weirdo.
The whole cast is great. Salma Hayek plays a stripper. She was never hotter looking in her whole fucking life as when she played a stripper/queen vampire in this film.
Cheech Marin and Danny Trejo are also in the film. Cheech especially is hilarious and plays multiple rolls. (try counting them, kids! it's fun as a barrel of severed titties!)
The bottom line is this: This is a hardcore horror film that has yet to be beaten in the vampire genre. It scores as high as possible when measuring it's levels of gore, sexiness, character's, bad-assery, one-liners and epicness. See it NOW.